“If you’re from Africa... Why are you white?” This classic quote from the 2004 movie Mean Girls humorously sums up a huge identity debate present in modern society. The question of someone’s national origin is feared by many people, especially third-culture kids. Many times, being asked about our ACTUAL country of origin beyond what we use in simple interactions is often a hard thing to answer even to ourselves. Not only that but being asked this question is extremely invalidating but at times, rude. This question can be asked in a variety of ways including “Have you always lived in....?” or “Where are your parents from?”. These questions and the resulting negative feelings are many times the result of having someone else remind you that you’re different than most people from your country(ies), be it physically, culturally, or linguistically. While we cannot control other people’s questions, what is possible is understanding where this may come from and keeping some ideas in mind for future interactions.
Our national identity is often considered one of the most important aspects of who we are, both to ourselves and to others. Although most people never had to even consider what their country of origin might be, a growing number of people have a complicated idea of nationality due to globalization. The importance of this aspect of our identity is unmistakable and ever-present as often in multinational social settings where we’re from is asked before our names. Therefore, when someone asks if we are really from the country we said, it can contribute to a feeling of not fitting in and being fundamentally different from others. Sadly, these feelings are familiar to those of us tot have lived cross-culturally and/or are third-culture kids. This question often serves as a reminder of the lack of understanding towards multicultural people present today and can be distressing as feelings of sadness or anxiety can often come up. People should not need to justify to another person their sense of belonging to the group of their fellow nationals, but sadly this is a common occurrence.
One of the biggest factors that plays into this loaded question is the idea of stereotypes, something that is explainable when looking at psychological theory. The way we look at the world is in what psychologists call “schemas” or sets of information about a certain topic that we have which guides how we think about and treat this thing in the present and future. Schemas are necessary for our brains to organize the information about this huge and diverse world. For example, a common schema is that all dishes with curry are spicy. While this may be true for many cases, it does not apply to all dishes with curry. The more curry dishes you try that aren’t spicy, the less present this schema about that type of food is going to be. The same is true about nationalities, maybe in our heads all Italians smoke cigarettes and kick back multiple espressos per day. Now, if you travel to Italy and start talking to people, you will (most likely!) find people who don’t like coffee, and maybe even someone who cares about the health of their lungs! Experiences like this work to reduce the strength of that schema you had about Italian people in your head.
The issue with schemas is that people who have not been exposed to very much of this diverse world often rely purely on vague stereotypes to inform how they treat people and what people should be or look like. This confusion that comes about for people when they meet someone who does not fit into their narrow nationality stereotype usually prompts the dreaded “Where are you actually from?” for them to be able to place you into one of the categories they already know, thereby lessening their discomfort. A major thing to understand in this situation is that at times people ask this to reduce their own discomfort and confusion and not all interactions like this are purely fueled by racism or xenophobia, though many are a combination of these things with ignorance.
That being said, when this question is born completely out of racism, or xenophobia then it can be considered a microaggression which can be extremely hard on our mental health. Examples of microaggressions include asking a person of color from a European country where they’re really from or telling a person they speak ____ language well when it’s their native and only language. The metaphor many people in the psychological community use to describe this experience is death by 1000 small cuts. Even though each interaction is “small” these microaggressions make us feel sad or anxious which affects us significantly over time. Few people in this world are immune to microaggressions, and they are nothing new to people of color, women, and those in the LGBT+ community. What we must consider is how the intersectionality, or combination of identities, can lead to a greater quantity and more extreme microaggressions. The New York Times has put together a very comprehensive guide to dealing with microaggressions here.
The distress this whole debate about nationality, belonging, and the effects of microaggressions can have on our mental health is significant and impossible to ignore. Thankfully, this distress can be managed and understood with the help of a mental health professional. Finding someone who has also dealt with this identity crisis regarding nationality is essential for truly feeling seen in the therapy room. This debate is something most psychologists have a hard time relating to, thereby making it hard to find the perfect fit when seeking a counselor. In summary, having someone question your national identity is never easy, but is not always born out of racism and xenophobia as sometimes it is born out of a place of ignorance, and a mechanism of our imperfect brains. It’s more than understandable for this situation to be distressing given the fact that your national identity is a major aspect of who you are, and grappling with which nationality you feel is more you can be extremely difficult but there are options for help with this distress.
Written by: Agustín Hayes M.A. from Open Mind Therapy
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